Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This word is all over social media these days. Everyone is supposed to have healthy boundaries. But what the hell does that really mean? Only calling your mother once a week on Saturday morning and not telling her anything about your love life? I think that somewhere along the way we confused “boundaries” with “distance.”
When I talk about boundaries, I am not talking about getting away from the people who get to you so that they can’t get to you. I am not talking about avoiding your brother because his success makes you feel like shit. I am also not talking about trying to change your loved ones so that they don’t hurt you, i.e. telling your friend that when he talks about his drinking problem it is “triggering you” because you also struggle with drinking. Here is what I am talking about: recognizing what is your shit, and, and what is other people’s shit, and owning your shit when you have to.
In a recent session with a patient* who has a difficult relationship with her mother, we discussed how often her mother says the “wrong thing,” meaning something that feels critical to her. When she told me that she knew her mother’s intentions were to be helpful and supportive, I stopped her right there. Really? I pushed. Are we sure that your mother isn’t a flawed human like the rest of us, speaking out of her own anxiety sometimes? When she criticizes your boyfriends, your clothes, your weight, etc., is it possible that this is HER SHIT? The answer then, my patient thought initially, must be to help her mother with her anxiety. If only her mother could get her own therapist, then maybe she would stop criticizing her. Except that that’s not the answer. The answer is creating a stronger containing boundary, so that when mom says, “your boyfriend has a crap job,” she can decide how much of that feels true to her, and how much of that is just her mother’s shit. I will only take in what is true for me: that’s a boundary.
What a relief to be able to talk to your mother every day, as long as you recognize where she ends and where you begin.
