We are all burdens

The number of people who sit on my little gray couch and tell me they are scared of being a burden in their relationships astounds me. Well, maybe it shouldn’t astound me; we can always trace this fear back to something. Most of the time, people have been abandoned or rejected at some point before coming to therapy. We don’t get what we need from our parents, and/or are told that we need too much. Or we are shown that we need to much. Parents get divorced and it must be our fault. Parents die. Parents work too hard and feel stressed out at home. There is never enough money. And we, the children, are part of the system in which life is just too much.

Then we grow up and form friendships and romantic relationships, and we are scared to want too much from them. We don’t want to ask for more than another person wants to give. We don’t want to overwhelm them, we don’t want to affect them too much, to be too much for them. We fear they might leave us.

And so, because of this fear of being a burden, we miss out on real connection and intimacy in our relationships. It is impossible to be truly close to another person and not affect them profoundly with our feelings, needs, and wants – and allow them to affect us profoundly too. Sometimes this means joy and sometimes it means pain. Does that mean we are “burdens” on our loved ones? If you want to use that word, then sure, maybe we are! But I can tell you that when I feel “burdened” by my partner, it’s not just one feeling. Feeling bound to him makes me feel safe, known, and most of all connected. And when my best friend hands me her son and asks me to change his diaper, is that a burden? Maybe it is! But the thing is, that feeling is inherently interwoven with my love for her and gratitude for our friendship. These relationships have me yoked and I’m not going anywhere.

And so I take the risky leap of faith and put my own needs out there in my relationships. The people that matter have stuck around, and the ones who are not okay with getting all of me have left, and I have had to process all my feelings around that. Rejection. Anger. Sadness. Fear. But I have decided that my fear of being “too much” for some should not and will not stop me from being my whole self for the people who deserve all of me.

So, here is what I have learned from my patients and from my own relationships: yes, I am a “burden,” and no I am not too much.